Funk

I'm in a funk and I can't get out of it. I've felt this way for about a week now. Some of it stems from being sick of this TTC thing. Not that I don't want a child, but, I'm tired of disappointment. But, I don't want to focus on that.

Another reason is because I'm missing my family. There is quite a bit of drama going on and it's hard to be away from my family while this is all happening. I think my dad is falling back into depression and there is nothing I can do about it here. Granted, there's nothing I can do about it at home either. But, it's really frustrating when my sister calls me to ask me to "talk to dad" because she knows something's wrong. First off, I know very well half the reason he's depressed is because he's living there. Secondly, what am I supposed to do about it where I am? I've tried getting him to move here, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I know it's up to him to help himself. But, just like everything else in my life, it's not easy to not have control over the situation. Additionally, things are going on at home and I'm missing them. I'm afraid and very sad that I'm not going to get to go home for my God-daughter's First Communion in May. I'm going to do everything possible, but, if I can't get home, I'm going to be really disappointed.

Which brings me to my next point. Work. So many things are happening with work right now. Most importantly, I've started casually looking for a new job, for several reasons.

• First, I can never, ever have a Friday or Saturday off. With two people in the store, unless I get really creative, the likelihood of having one of these days off is non-existant. (Which is why I mentioned earlier that I'm afraid I may not get home for the First Communion.) We were SUPPOSED to be able to hire a third person, but, that's not happening anymore. I knew going in that I'd have a hard time getting any weekend time off, but, now that things are happening, I hate it. I know that moving constitues not seeing family as often and such, but, it'll be over a year before I get to take any real time off....which means at least a year without seeing any family members. That just makes me sad.
• Second, with all of this TTC failure, Brett and I have been discussing the future. The amount I pay for insurance is A LOT. Literally, almost half my check, each pay period. Now, I'm the first to say, "Insurance is extremely important, I'd never want to do without it". So, I'm okay with paying for it. With everything we've gone through, I know how important insurance is. However, in doing my TTC research, if we can't get pregnant on our own, insurance doesn't cover ANY infertility treatments. It covers the diagnosis, but no treatment. No drugs, no ultrasounds, nothing. This is a big deal for me and Brett. Now, when we have the opportunity to own the bar, this won't be as much of an issue. But, for now, it's a BIG issue. So, I'm kind of nervous about that. Brett and I have discussed NOT having children, but, it's not an option for either one of us. We'll make it work, but, it'd be a hell of a lot easier with some insurance help.
• Third, and probably MOST important, I'm nervous about work safety. I never was until the other day. I had heard through the grapevine that a store had been robbed about two weeks ago. I asked my manager about it, she was very flippant, saying she wasn't told any details. I should have pressed further, but, I thought she'd tell me if it was anything serious. I kind of forgot about it after that. Then, on Tuesday, another store's manger came in to audit our store. She and I were talking about safety and SHE told me that it was a store in OUR district that was robbed. And not just robbed (I was thinking someone broke in after hours or something), oh no, they were held up AT GUNPOINT. Now, if this were a store in another state or something, I'd think an e-mail would go out but they'd not want to make a huge deal out of it, as to not scare the rest of us. But, don't my manager and district manager have a responsibility to tell me something like this when it's happened so close to home???? I'm pissed off, to say the least. I've never ONCE felt unsafe in my store. Ever. We're in a high traffic area and my customers are great. They watch out for us, I've seen that first hand. But, I'm pissed off that no one found it necessary to make it known that such a dangerous thing happened so close to home.

So, I've started looking elsewhere. I don't know what will happen and I don't know what I'm going to do. But, after telling him the robbery story, Brett was immediately all for me looking for a new job. I've sent one resume out already. We'll see what happens.

So yeah, I'm in a funk. And to top it off, I have a head cold. I hate head colds. Ugh.