It's Just Never Easy For Us...

It took me almost 2 days to compose myself. Just the conversational "how are you" question brought me to tears. We saw Dr. Jones on Monday, the results were less positive than I thought they'd be.

Dr. Jones first told me that my blood tests were all excellent. My hormone levels, thyroid levels, insulin, etc...were all very good. Then we talked about Brett's sperm analysis. His count was good, but the movement (motility) was a little on the slow side. Just a bit shy of normal. This means the sperm will take a bit longer to get to the egg, which might cause problems. But, in and of itself, it isn't that much to worry about.

Then she said, "And now your HSG. That wasn't good". As I already knew, my right fallopian tube is completely blocked. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done to unblock it, the damage is too severe. She said, in normal circumstances, she'd want to remove the tube immediately. She said if we were to miraculously get pregnant on that side, it would certainly result in a miscarriage or worse, an ectopic pregnancy. If it were ectopic, I could be risking my own life on top of the baby not surviving. She also said, if by even bigger miracle, the baby didn't result in immediate miscarriage on an ectopic pregnancy, my blocked tube will likely leak some kind of fluid into the uterus which would harm the baby anyway. Okay, so, remove the tube, right?

Not so much. First of all, this will hinder our TTC plans. Dr. J doesn't want us to wait any longer than we have to. This is because of the one working tube, the fact that I'm not 25 years old anymore, in addition to Brett's sperm issue. Secondly, my insurance isn't likely to cover this kind of surgery. I'm having no problems with the tube, no pain or anything. So, there isn't any medical reason to remove it. When Dr. Jones asked if I was experiencing any pain in that area, I could tell she wanted me to say yes so she could justify a medical reason to do surgery. (Obviously, I'll need to look into this more, but....) She asked me again with kind of a smile on her face and I said, "I mean, am I supposed to say yes??" She kind of laughed and told me she can't tell me what to say.

So what does all of this mean?

With everything stacked against us like this, Dr. J. doesn't feel she is qualified enough to help us any further. She has referred us to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in Sioux Falls, SD. (About an hour away from us.) He will make the call as to whether or not my tube needs to be removed. He will also be taking over all of our treatment from here on out.

She also told us to start saving for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). This could be precautionary since IVF will cost about $15,000 a try and it's not guaranteed. Even if she did tell us to just start preparing, I am devastated. I was under the impression that we would start fertility drugs and they'd be a good option for us. I was under this impression because my preliminary talk with the Nurse Jody led me to believe this. (Not saying she was wrong, I know our conversation was just preliminary.) However, with all of the things wrong, we have too many problems for a likely "simple" fix.

On top of that, it goes without saying that Brett and I don't just have an "extra" $15K lying around. Yes, we have savings. But, that was going to be our nest egg. Brett needs to get a new car, we had plans for upgrading the house, we were saving for our retirement. Granted, I'd give all of that up in a heartbeat if it means having a child. But, who wants to do that? Of course I will....most definitely. It's just not something we'd planned on happening. Additionally, add in the cost of a possible tube removal, plus all of the things we might need to do BEFORE trying IVF....Good Lord. We go to the RE May 17th, we'll have to have some sort of idea what we want to do by then. As I said, the RE may decide IVF is too drastic so soon and we may try other things first. (This will likely happen.) But the fact that we even have to think about these things? I mean, really and truly face the fact that we are infertile....it devastates me. We really aren't going to be able to do this on our own.

I know these are drastic thoughts. I know I have one working tube, I know Brett's sperm aren't no existant. All we need is one good egg (on the left side) and one strong sperm. Miracles happen every day. But these aren't simple problems. One on it's own might be simple, but, together, we've got a steep hill to climb.

I don't know. I just feel like....why us? Haven't we paid our dues? I don't mean to whine, but, haven't we had enough happen to us in the past two years? Millions of women get pregnant every day....couldn't I just have been one of those women? I hate to say it, but, it's just not fair.

Here's to praying for some miracles...it appears we're going to need a few. Again.

Last Try

Obviously I don't know exactly what's going to happen yet, but...

This could possibly be the last unmedicated cycle of our TTC journey. It appears I'm ovulating crazy early and I'll start my two week wait tomorrow.

Keeping my fingers crossed that this cycle is a lucky # 8!!!! I'm staying positive and haven't obsessed at ALL. What a change from last year when I obsessed constantly. I like this new way of life.

Last Place

I am in last place in my basketball pool. Last place. I have NEVER been so low in a college basketball pool. Sadly, I'm a little embarassed.

Hey, if THIS is my worry right now, I'm on the right track!!

Are You Ready For Some Basketball????

It's time for March Madness!!! I'm so excited. I love college basketball, I love tournament time. I have to fill out my brackets and it's going to be tough choice this year. Kansas? Kentucky? Duke, my favorite team ever? Decisions, decisions.

I love this time of year!!!

Moving On

As I said last night, now that things have been confirmed, I feel better. I'm still sad that I don't have 100% abilities, but, I realize that there is still no reason to believe I can't get pregnant.

So, I am choosing to work with what I have. Will I still have moments of "Why do we continually get the short end of the stick?"? Definitely. But, I will focus on the positive going forward. Being negative won't help me get pregnant. I have to look at everything we DO have in order for this not only to work, but, so I don't go crazy.

I have one working fallopian tube. My hormone levels are good. All of the necessary TTC tests measured well for me. Brett's semen analysis was good. I will likely start Clomid next month to help things even more. I continue to show all signs of ovulation. All of these things will keep me positive.

I told my Dad about everything last night. I just felt weird not telling him the major thing going on in my life. I started out by saying, "Well, Brett and I have been trying for quite a while to have a baby." He cut me off and yelled "YOU'RE PREGNANT!?!?!?" (Cue the sigh.) I told him we're not and that we're having problems....told him of the week's events. It's very hard to explain things to your dad without going into too much detail. But, he was really interested and concerned. He obviously expressed his sadness (for lack of a better word) and said he hopes things work soon for us. I know he won't pressure or continually ask about things. He'll just take it all in stride. He did tell me he hopes it works soon though, "because 3 grandkids just aren't enough". Hahaha.

Here's to moving forward with a positive attitude. A plan to "work with what we have".

Final Update (For Now)

I talked to Nurse Jody today (we're becoming great "friends"). She confirmed the blocked right fallopian tube. She says it's not 100% blocked, but there is "significant damage" to the tube. She says she doesn't know what caused the damage, maybe the doctor will be able to expand more on that. I asked if there is a chance that I can still be releasing eggs on that side, she didn't know the answer to that either. I'm okay with that. I didn't expect her to have all of the answers, that's more for the doctor to know. She did reiterate that my left fallopian tube is working just as it should be and we still have a good chance with that side. I'm happy with that.

Anyway, the doctor wants Brett and I to come in for an appointment so we can discuss where to go from here. Nurse Jody said we'd be discussing Clomid, other fertility drugs and what steps we choose to take next. I wasn't able to get an appointment until March 29th. SO. FAR. AWAY. Oh well, at least we're ready to discuss future plans.

I feel a lot better today. Now that things are confirmed, it's easier to handle. I always have a fear of the unknown, so it's much easier to deal with now.

On another note, we FINALLY have the Style Network. I've been watching reruns of the reality show, "Giuliana and Bill" on E! and I've loved it since the very first episode I saw. They really do remind me of Brett and myself. Bill is very logical, just like Brett. Giuliana is kind of in the clouds, which is just like me. They literally make me laugh out loud several times an episode. They show the current episodes on The Style Network and I've been missing them because we don't have that channel. (E! is a season behind.) Well, this season, Bill and Guiliana are going through fertility problems and I've been so sad that I've been missing the episodes. However, a few days ago, I discovered that we randomly have the channel now. I've DVR'd all episodes and I'm going to start watching them this weekend. I know they do hormone shots and IUI, so I'm hoping Brett will watch with me, just to see what things are like. I'm excited!

And finally, thank you to everyone that has dropped me a line in one way or another to show their support. I truly do have the best friends in the world.

More Results

Talked to the doctor today. She doesn't have the HSG results back from the radiologist yet. I didn't even say anything about what I know. I just want Dr. Jones to look over the report herself and tell me what she thinks without me prompting anything.

She did have my blood work and Brett's semen analysis though. All of my blood work is perfectly fine. No diabetes, no thyroid problems, all of my hormone levels are perfectly fine. No problems with me at all. Well, besides the obvious. Brett's sperm is happy and healthy as well. The motility (movement) is a tiny bit low, but, nothing to be concerned about at all.

So, it seems the only problems are the blockage and chance. We'll see what happens next. Dr. Jones was surprised my HSG results weren't back today, so, I'm sure we'll be talking again tomorrow. Fun.

On another note, I got a random "Parents" magazine in the mail today. How ironic is that?? I'm actually VERY superstitious and don't believe in buying anything for a future baby. So, why I got this magazine, I have no idea. And the fact that I had to get it today? Talk about a stab in the heart. Ugh. Annoying. Even Brett felt my pain on this one.

Blah.

Preliminary Test Results

I'll get my bood work results tomorrow but I already have unofficial HSG results. I still have to talk to MY doctor about the results though....

For those that don't know an HSG tests to see if the fallopian tubes are blocked for any reason. Essentially, a doctor inserts a catheter and a "balloon" to insert dye into the fallopian tubes. They then x-ray the midsection to make sure the dye flows completely through each tube. If the dye flows correctly, the tubes are clear and the egg/sperm can flow through and fertilize/implant.

Unfortunately, according to the doctor that did the procedure, my right fallopian tube is blocked. Sometimes the doctor can use the dye to force blockages out and unblock the tube. He couldn't do that in my case. It's completely blocked. There are many reasons why a tube can be blocked. The most common is due to an ectopic pregnancy, but it could be something like polyps, cysts, etc. I won't know more until tomorrow. To my knowledge, I've never had an ectopic pregnancy so, who knows what the problem is.

As I said, I still haven't talked to MY doctor to get the official results. Therefore, I'm trying to stay off the internet. I did visit sites like WebMD though, just to see what I'm up against. It looks though, that my chances of getting pregnant are even more slim than a healthy woman's 20% chance each month. Since I'm likely only working on the left side, I only have a 20% chance every OTHER month.

Ways to solve this problem look to be surgery and/or fertility drugs. Surgery can actually cause more complications, including future ectopic pregnancies and miscarriage. My doctor has already mentioned fertility drugs, so, I'm guessing I'll start those ASAP. I can't speak very much on the surgery route right now because there is still so much that needs to be discussed with Dr. Jones.

As of right now, I'm pretty devastated. I know there are probably more options that I'm aware of now. I need to remember that. However, this is the one thing with my body that I didn't want it to be. Granted, I still have one good tube and I need to be happy about that. Honestly, both tubes could be blocked, so I'm grateful to still have a chance. But, my chances are a lot smaller now and I'm just heart broken. Heart broken and shocked.

Still waiting on Brett's semen analysis and my blood work. Here's hoping those all come back okay.

Honestly, can't we just have a long stream of good luck? Really?

Tests Tomorrow

Why is it that I'm never hungry for a snack after dinner, but, now that I have to fast, I'm SO craving a snack? Annoying.

Anyway, tomorrow I go in for a majority of my tests. I'm not nervous about the thyroid or diabetes tests at all. I don't think I'm diabetic and if there's a thyroid problem, it can likely be fixed. I'm actually kind of hoping there is a problem here because those are the types of problems that can be managed.

The HSG, on the other hand, if there's something wrong there it's not easily fixed. If my tubes are blocked, there isn't much anyone can do. From what I understand, at least.

Here's hoping things go well and I'm not in a lot of pain when I get home tomorrow. I'm trying to think positively, "It will not be that bad, it will not be that bad...."

**I'm hoping to not make this blog all about fertility issues. Please bear with me, as this is what is going on in my life right now.**

Our Love Story

I entered a writing contest today. The premise of the contest was to essentially describe my own love story. Whether is was through happiness or tragedy, the contest called for a story of true love.

I submitted the story of getting married and then Brett getting sick the very next day. I thought about adding in my illness, losing our jobs and then moving to Iowa. But, I decided to just focus on how we dealt with his three months of being sick.

I don't expect to win, but, we'll see what happens. The top story is published in one of those "Chicken Soup" typed books. The winner also wins $1000. Three runners up get mentioned in Redbook magazine and each get $150.

May as well try, right?

Results

Cervical biopsy results are back and normal. Yay! I'm ready for no more biopsies, EVER. Two in 31 years is enough.

Nurse says there is irritation and inflammation on my cervix, she says it's nothing to worry about though. She also says this is likely the cause for the bleeding, so, all is okay. Nice to hear.

Wednesday I'll be having testing done on my thyroid, a diabetes test, cholesterol check and I'll have my hormone levels tested. I'll also be having that HSG test, which I'm not too excited about. I've heard varying stories of it being "nothing", mildly painful and "the worst pain ever". Hopefully I'll be in one of the first two categories.

Reality Crash

As evidence of cycle 7 ending arrives, reality has begun to sink in.

We're going to have to do fertility testing. Really and truly, something is probably wrong. Even if it's an easy fix, something needs to be fixed. I had a small mental breakdown this morning. I was just kind of hoping this cycle would work, I'd be pregnant and we wouldn't have to do any of it.

I'm very happy we're getting things moving, but, I wish we didn't have to do it this way.