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I'm about ready to stop exclusively pumping.
The guilt in me says to not stop. The fact that I want to keep giving Mady BM says to not stop. And that is NOT to say that I think formula is bad. Not at all. I just feel that my milk is perfectly tailored for Mady and that's best for her.
Logistics, however, make it really hard to keep pumping.
I pump at 10 PM and wake up at 5 AM to pump...and pump at least 3 times during the day...if I can. I don't want to pump in the middle of the night because it will just cause me to make more milk and make me need to pump more. I'm pretty sure I'm dealing with oversupply issues and that isn't helping. After filling all of Mady's bottles for the day, I'm still freezing over 10 oz. a day. Great for a freezer stash...not great for time management and playing with Mady. But, I HAVE to get it OUT of me.
I can't pump when Mady is awake because she screams. She will NOT entertain herself. I'm trying to hold out until she can consistantly play in the exersaucer, as I think it might keep her busy. Other than that though, nothing entertains her. She has to be held or entertained by me so long as she's awake. She won't stay awake in her swing long enough for me to pump either, so that's a no go. (She'd be sleeping all day if I put her in the swing each time I pumped, on top of naps.)
On top of that, now I feel guilty when she's awake. I wonder when she'll go to sleep so I can pump. "How long will she be asleep? Will it be long enough for me to pump?" And even worse, when she's upset and it takes a while for me to comfort her, all I'm thinking is, "Will this child please go to sleep so I can pump?" I think I'm making her sleep more than she needs to because I need her to go down so I can do what needs to be done.
It's not fair to Mady. There is no reason I should be thinking, "Please stop crying and sleep so I can pump." I was up last night crying AGAIN because Mady was awake and upset at 4 AM and I was so engorged I could barely hold her. Brett was up to help me, thank goodness but I can't wake him EVERY time she wakes up in the middle of the night. He works, I don't.
I'm so conflicted. I so desperately want to quit because I feel like a bad mom in **kind of** thinking that I'd rather her be sleeping so I can be pumping. Who thinks that? And on the other hand, I feel badly that I want to stop pumping because I should be doing it. I'm home all day, I should be pumping. Brett works constantly so I can stay home with Mady. Formula is expensive. I should do my part. The APA recommends at least 6 months of breast milk, ideally, a year's worth. The guilt is horrible.
It's a daily circle.
Disclaimer: Again, I do NOT feel formula is bad for babies. I just want to make that clear.
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i'm so sorry katy. my advice is probably what everyone is going to tell you. happy mom = happy baby. life is too short to feel guilty. maddy is going to be a happy, healthy baby whether you feed her BM or formula. and if you're going to get more time to spend with her by switching to formula, i say go for it. we never did the BF'ing at all, and i would say that was mostly for selfish reasons on my part (yes, it's true) and honestly, G is 6 months old, healthy as a horse, never been sick, and almost 20 lbs. do what you need to do katy and don't regret it for a second. :-)
ReplyDeleteI went through this same battle! Hang in there. Each time you pump, pump less. Don't pump until your empty and soon your body will produce less milk. You are right it is a supply and demand thing. The more you pump the more your body will produce. Don't pump everything.
ReplyDeleteSomething else to try is to attempt to let Mady nurse. It may work this time maybe not but it would tune your body to meet her demands and not over due the supply.
You are doing a great job being a mom! No matter what you decide to do, it will be okay.
Do what is best for you. Could you pump a couple times a day and mix with formula so that you get a break? That way Mady gets BM still but it isn't all about pumping for you. What ever you do decide try not to feel bad. In the end only you know what is best for you and Mady. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteditto your friend, Jane.
ReplyDeleteI have no other advice, but wanted to say YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM! ((HUGS))
I would try to nurse again if you can. At least that way, you could feed the baby and skip a pumping session.
ReplyDeleteIf that's not an option, I think supplementing once and a while with formula would be a good compromise. That way your baby still gets breast milk, but you won't have to be stuck pumping as much.
Good luck no matter what you do! And try not to give yourself guilt trips. I sometimes wish that my kids will just hurry up and get to bed so I can get stuff done too! lol!
I'm with Becky! Pump a little less every time. Try to nurse again. Maybe pump a little first and then try to nurse, because if you try to nurse while you are engorged she might scream because of the fast flow.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel bad if you decide to stop. Do what is best for you. Just remember stop slowly! Cold turkey is painful!!
I exclusively pumped for two months with my first and got overwhelmed the same way you did and stopped. With my second he was exclusively breastfed. Now my third is exclusively breastfed and won't take bottles (even though I constantly try). Every child is different. Do what is best for you and Mady. You are a good mother! Everything will work out :)
Do not feel badly if you stop. You have to think of what is not only best nutritionally for your baby but what is best emotionally. If this is wearing you down then it's in the best intersts of you that you stop if you must. That just allows less stress for you and more happy time with your daughter. Whatever is best for you and Mady, that is all that matters.
ReplyDelete