Took A Hit This Week....

**I write this not in the hopes that people will sympathize or try to make me feel better. Things are what they are and the last thing I want is for people to "feel sorry for me". I just write to get it out of my mind. I think I just need to say these things "out loud". If I don't, I'll never sleep.**

Brett and I took another hit in the trying to conceive department this week. I don't even want to get into what happened, but suffice it to say, I have no idea when we'll be TTC and it's left me so far past devastated I can't even think straight.

Y'know how some people have a dream about what they're going to be? How some people just KNOW what their place is? Well, my dream has always been to be a mother. There is nothing in life that I've been more confident of...in that I was put on this earth to be a mom. I've always felt this is the one thing I can do with confidence. The one thing I can excel at being. I've tossed around being a teacher, a psychologist, heck...even a ballerina. Every single one of those things just didn't feel 100% right for me. The only thing I've been 100% confident in is my wanting a child.

The move to Iowa has only been okay in my eyes because it meant we were going to start having children and I was going to be able to stay home with them. This has been my focus for the last 9 weeks. I don't want to move to Iowa at all. But, I was making the sacrifice in order to fulfill my dream.

I know I'm still young. I know 30 isn't old. I DO know though, that with every month that passes, my chances of conceiving get smaller. And with my medical "issues" (none that are serious or that directly hinder my TTC chances), it makes things just a bit harder. I know that infertility runs in my family. I know that with every month that passes, I'm missing out on a chance to fulfill my dream.

And now we're on hold again. Indefinitely. I think I'd ALMOST feel better if we were trying and it wasn't happening. But we can't even try. Honestly? (TMI warning here!) I'm getting less and less excited about even being intimate with my husband at this point because, in a sense, I see no purpose in it. I know that's horrible. I know that makes me a horrible wife. I know it makes me a horrible, selfish person. It's just how I feel right now. Maybe things will change when we're in the same state again. But as I sit here and type right now, the thought of "intimacy without purpose" makes me turn up my nose.

I'm so focused and obsessed with having a child that it's all I can think about. It's all I can talk about. I was terrified to go to my sister's this past weekend because I almost can't bear holding my youngest nephew and playing with my older nephew and niece. It hurts my heart to say that. It hurts my heart to know that I have no idea when or if I will ever get to have a child of my own. It hurts my heart to feel that I have no want for my husband if it doesn't mean trying for a baby.

My dear friend just had a baby at 26 weeks and I know that I should be putting my thoughts into perspective. I know I don't have it so bad. I could be in her spot right now, worrying that my baby is fighting for his life. I could definitely have it much worse. I know that. I pray for my friends every day.

I just....want things to go right for more than a week. I want things to go my way. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. And I want to NOT feel badly for feeling these things.

Wow. Vent over....and I actually feel a lighter weight on my shoulders.