Tired Of The Disappointment (Long)

I have a Baby Shower post to do. I know I do. I have to upload the pictures and will do that soon, I promise. Suffice it to say, the baby shower was WONDERFUL. The trip home was WONDERFUL. More details ASAP, I promise.

In the meantime though, a post that doesn't require pictures. Disclaimer: Parts of this may sound insensitive. To the reader who doesn't know my family background, I'm sorry. Those that know the history, you'll understand completely.

Guess who didn't attend my shower? My sister.

I'm so tired of this. I have chosen to focus on all of the people who were there. But, every so often, I get this wave of....anger? Sadness? Both?

I had a lot of negative things to say about my sister on this blog. And after a while, I took them off of the blog. They were (and still are) my true feelings, but, after we told my B about Mady, she seemed to be making a real effort. She was calling, texting, sending us gifts....being what I think a real sister should be. I figured, if she was going to finally try to get our relationship back, I'd keep my negative feelings to myself.

No more. She continues to disappoint me. She continues to not want me to get any attention. I don't understand why. I just don't.

On Thursday, on the way to IL, my sister called me to tell me that my mother would be having open heart surgery on Friday morning. She told me she wasn't telling me with the thought that I should come to the hospital, but, thought I'd want to know and she'd let me make my own decision. I was torn on what to do. Maybe the "right" thing to do was to go to the hospital. But, I'm just not ready yet. I'm not ready to open that can of worms. For the rest of the drive I thought about things and even with the seriousness of the surgery, I'm just not ready to forgive and forget with my mother. So, I called my sister back later and told her I just wasn't ready to see my mom and she said she completely understood. She said she just wanted to let me know, it seemed like the right thing to do. I asked my sister to tell my mother that I hoped everything would be okay and she seemed perfectly fine with that. We ended the call with her telling me she'd still be at the shower on Sunday.

On Friday, my sister texted me to let me know my mother was in surgery and a few hours later I texted her and asked how things went. Everything was fine, surgery went well....all was okay. On Saturday, for some reason, my sister sent me a picture of my mother. No warning that she was doing so, the picture scared the hell out of me. I wasn't prepared for a picture of ANYONE with tubes coming out of them. And that's what she sent me. I replied with, "B, that picture scared me to death! You could have warned me!!!" No response.

The next morning, at 8 AM, I received a text from B saying she was sorry, but, she didn't feel comfortable leaving my aunt alone with my mother all day long in the hospital. It was 8 AM and she was already AT the hospital. She reiterated that my mother was fine, but, she felt it was wrong to leave my aunt with my mother all day long.

Am I crazy in thinking this is weird? My aunt isn't an invalid. There is no reason my aunt couldn't have sat with her for TWO hours while my sister attended the shower. It's not like there aren't doctors and nurses in the hospital that would actually be taking care of my mother. (I realize this might sound insensitive. Typing it out doesn't reflect exactly how the story plays.) My sister had to drive PAST the house that my shower was being held at, to get from her house to the hospital. She could have dropped in and left in 30 minutes. It is now Tuesday, she has yet to call to see how the shower was, yet to text or e-mail to say she's sorry how things happened....nothing.

Is this punishment for not going to the hospital? For having a good life? I don't understand it. I've had three major events happen in my adult life. A bridal shower, a wedding and a baby shower. The bridal shower? My sister was there, but, there wasn't a hint of happiness. Pictures? Not a single smile. My wedding? She wouldn't attend. We offered to pay for her trip, but, she "couldn't go somewhere like that without J". I asked her to be the maid of honor in my wedding, in Jamaica, free of cost and she refused. And now my baby shower. She couldn't even attend that.

My family is livid. LIVID. My friends asked where she was....those that were at my bridal shower said things like, "Well, maybe it's for the best, she didn't look happy last time." I am just tired of it.

I don't understand it. I've been there for her. A million times. I helped plan her wedding. I was the maid of honor in her wedding and put a smile on my face the entire time, despite HATING the fact that she was marrying her jackass of a husband. I did it for her. I threw her a baby shower. I was genuinely happy to do that. I feel I've been an amazing aunt to my niece and nephews. (Who, I didn't get to see, because we planned on her bringing them to the shower!) Even when she didn't even have anyone tell me that she'd given birth to my last nephew, I found out and went to the hospital with flowers for her and a gift for T.J. She didn't even notify me that she was being induced...or that he was born. Who does that?

So yeah. Now I'm at a crossroads. If it were just her, I'd say, "Screw you.". But, if I do that, I say goodbye to my niece and nephews. I can't bring myself to do that. But, I refuse to continue to let her do this to me. I was crying the morning of my baby shower. Crying because I really believed she'd be there. I believed that she was changing her "mood". She completely fooled me this time. I had 25 other women attending the shower, people who were happy for me, who can't wait for Mady to arrive. Who were happy to share this occasion with me. And one person made me sad. I'm just tired of it.