Babies, Babies, Babies

I thought about starting a blog a few months ago, when Brett and I were all set to try to conceive. I'm glad I didn't do it though, because we're obviously not on that track anymore. Thankfully, I didn't dedicate a blog to "TTC", or I'd be having a much more difficult time right now.

It seems like babies are all around me right now. My sister just had a baby two weeks ago, one of my very best friends is pregnant, several very good friends are pregnant, it seems like EVERY show I watch has someone getting pregnant....

I've been debating whether or not to blog about this, because I feel like my thoughts are almost selfish. In no way do I wish my friends not to be pregnant, but, with every new announcement, I get more and more sad. And it's not that I'm sad my friends are pregnant, not in the least bit. I am so excited for my friends and can't wait for every one of these babies to arrive. It just tears at my heart strings that I can't be pregnant right along with them. I'm just so sad that we were SO close...and it slipped away.

Not "SO close" in the way that I miscarried or anything. Thank God. But, in the way that we had JUST started trying...and had to stop due to these work layoffs. I know, I know 100% that we're doing the right thing in waiting. We'd be stupid to press on with TTC while neither one of us is employed. But, it tears me up inside that we were actually trying and then just....STOP! I basically wish we'd never started trying.

I know things happen for a reason, any it'll happen when it's right, and my time will come....and all of those cliches that people keep telling me. But, I feel like it's just another thing Brett and I have been cheated out of. We were cheated out of the last half of our wedding-moon. We were cheated out of any type of honeymoon period at all. And now we're being cheated out of TTC. What if we have problems conceiving, once we start trying again? Even though I know it's not likely the case...I'd feel like maybe if we'd tried earlier...it might not have happened. I know I shouldn't even be thinking this way, but, I can't help it.

Brett has been wonderful, he knows to not even say anything obvious. He just holds me and hugs me, let's me cry and tells me how sad he is too. I don't think he QUITE gets why this makes me so upset, but, he tries to understand and tries to relate and that's the most important part. He doesn't quite get just how terrified I am that this won't happen for us.

There's nothing saying that we won't get pregnant immediately, once we start trying again. I really hope we're one of the lucky couples. I really do. And I realize how lucky we are that, with the point we're at now, that we DIDN'T get pregnant right away. I know we'd be very scared right now if we were pregnant and neither one of us has steady employment. I KNOW things happened like they did for a reason. I just wish I could see further into the future.

I'm going to hope that this is my one and only blog about this. Unfortunately, it's what consumes my mind right now, so, we'll see what happens. I don't want this to be a "woe is Katy" blog...or a blog strictly about babies and pregnancy and sadness. It's just what's on my mind right now.

P.S. Congratulations to all of my pregnant friends....throw a little job and baby dust my way, will ya please??? =)