Sigh

Do you ever just weep? I mean, sobbing, bawl your eyes out, cry until you don't have any more tears? I did that tonight.

It started simply enough. I geared myself up to finally watch "Marley and Me". I've read the book, I've heard the warnings, I knew what was coming. Well, Brett is out of town at the Iowa game so I thought tonight might be the night to watch. I geared myself up with Kleenex and got things going. I willed myself not to cry. I really did. I was prepared for the ending. I sat through most of it thinking, "I'll be okay. I will not cry." And then the movie got to that scene. The scene where John takes Marley to the vet and the vet injects that awful concoction. The kindest thing you can do for an animal and the most horrible thing you can do to yourself. I watched....and the tears came. I remember being in that exact same spot with my dog Rudy. I will never forget that day, the day I had to let my poor boy go to heaven. It was the day I became a "grown up". I miss him every day.

So I cried and then I couldn't stop. I cried for my dog. I cried hoping that I won't ever have to make that choice for my Bailey. And then I cried for everything else. I cried for my friends. I cried for my family. I cried for people I can't help, like my dad and sister, like my friends who can't conceive at all...and for my friends that can't just yet. I cried for my mother, who I feel like I need sometimes, but just can't do it. I cried for the people I miss at home. I cried for my niece and nephews whom I am so crazy about. I cried for wishing so hard for something I can't control. I cried for not knowing whether I am ever going to get pregnant. I cried because I feel so lost sometimes and don't really feel I have "that person" to talk to about it. I cried because I'm lonely even though I have so many family members around me. I cried because I don't have that one person whom I can cry to. I cried because I just don't want to deal with the drama anymore. I cried out of happiness that we have moved past the horrible ending of 2008 and are on the road to a wonderful life. I cried for the people that have left my life, both living and passed. I cried for the things I can't fix and for the things I can.

Don't hold it in....because when it rains, it pours.