Vent

**Disclaimer: This is merely a vent.**

So, I know I need to get over this. I know I do. But, I have good days and bad days. Definitely more good than bad, but, the bad days have been more of a constant lately.

I'm still so angry about this whole not being able to TTC right now. It's really been a hard thing for me to deal with. I find it to be consuming most of my thoughts. And a lot of it is...what if it takes us a looooong time to find a decent job? And then, when we find jobs, what if we have trouble TTC? My family has had fertility problems and I'm so scared that I'm going to have them to...and I'm going to be starting to try "late" and we don't be able to have any children. I'm terrified. Terrified. I keep it inside of me because I know so many people have healthy babies past 30 and people are starting families later and later in life and things could probably be so much worse. I know that.

But why? Why does it seem like as soon as one good thing happens to us....a bad thing counteracts it? I can't wait to get married....finally get married and LITERALLY the day after, my husband gets this awful illness that absolutely consumes our lives. He finally recovers and as soon as that happens, we both lose our jobs. Which is now consuming our lives in a negative way again. I don't understand it. I just don't. I know there's no answer that anyone can give me. I know.

And then....

Tonight Brett was really quiet and I kept asking him what was wrong. He'd tell me nothing, but, I know when something's bothering him. So I keep asking and finally says, "This." I say, "This what?" He says, "This whole not having a job thing. This sitting around, doing nothing for so long." I say, "Honey, I know this is not the way we planned things. But, we'll get through it." He says, "Yeah, tell me you feel that way when you've been home for 4 months."

I flipped my lid. Do you mean to tell me that I don't feel as awful as you because I haven't been home for the same amount of time? Do you think that I didn't suffer in other ways while you were home sick? How about the fact that I'm not able to feel good about anything because as soon as I do, something bad happens? And most importantly...do you think that I don't feel HORRIBLE that I can't have a baby because of this job situation??? Just because this effects us in different ways doesn't mean I'm not having a hard time with it.

He doesn't even REALIZE what a hard time I'm having. Because it's ridiculous for me to talk about it because there is NOTHING anyone can do. NOTHING.

I'm just so angry. And I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. No one gets it. Anyone I say anything to says, "It'll happen when the time is right.", "It's just not the right time right now." I know I should accept those answers, but, I can't. I don't.

Again, I know there are no answers and we're just facing a rough patch and things will eventually get better. I just don't know why this all has to be happening to us. What did we do that was so wrong to have all of this happen? And again, I know there are people that have it worse. I know that 100%. But, this is the worst time for me and I don't know how people handle worse.