"God only gives you what you have the strength to handle. Sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much."

Someday I'll have a string of good posts. I promise.

This past week, things really went down hill. We started with the question of depression at dinner on Brett's birthday. After that, everything changed.

We've both been through the most horrific time in our lives in the past 6 months. Especially him. And I feel like I've done nothing but stand by his side, be supportive and do whatever I could to make things positive. And unfortunately, even after this, he did something so stupid and ridiculous that my trust level has gone down considerably. (No, he didn't cheat, he didn't do anything violent. It was just something REALLY, REALLY stupid.) After everything happened, he basically told me he has fallen apart and he's afraid he's throwing away the only good thing in his life. When I asked him why he's throwing it away, he couldn't answer. To which I replied, "You need help. And if you don't talk to someone, we're going to fall apart." His eyes were as big as saucers and he could barely speak after that. So, I think he "got it".

We're not divorcing, we're not separating, nothing like that. We both know we've gotten through way too much already to let things fall apart now. Plus, neither of us has any interest in failing. He already has referrals for therapists, and is making an appointment for as soon as they can get him in. Which I'm happy for. I'm happy that he knows the problem, recognizes it and wants to get it fixed. Not just for us, but for him. I know the road of depression all too well and sometimes it's not enough to just "try to get past it".

I knew this had to explode eventually. There's been too much going on for it to not happen. Brett's been on top of the world since he was 12 years old. His world crashed down upon him 6 months ago and he doesn't know how to handle it. I used to tease him all of the time about how well his life went, all of the time. If he wanted something, he got it. If he played a sport, he won the state championship. If he wanted a job, he had people asking HIM to take it. He'd never even stepped foot into a hospital until the day we got home from Jamaica. And then everything changed. The pressure got to be too much. And he cracked. And he cracked too hard.

I'm happy he's open to change and can't wait until we get this resolved. We're still speaking, still kind of going along as normal. But, it certainly hasn't been the fun household that it once was. There's a totally different vibe in my house now and I hate it. And things need to get back to normal ASAP.

There's not a single doubt in my mind that we'll fix this. It's just going to be an even bumpier ride for a little while.

If I'm not around as much (via e-mail, boards, phone, in person, etc...), please forgive me. I'm not really telling anyone but a select few. (And posting here because it's my vent and I only have a very few IRL friends that read anyway.) I just don't feel like talking very much. I hate not having much good to say.